What To Do.....?

At first, I've decided to pour out my heart's content to him, my desire to quit. Yes. Just quit. I might regret it, but i might not too, haha!! But than every time I saw him, I am unable to open my mouth at all, only to notice myself who kept forcing a smile when he smiled at me. At the end of training that day, I really decided to tell him, but then.... even when I hadn't say anything to him, he poured out something at me, as if he can totally read my heart. He said :" To join in something is easy, but to continue is difficult." All I can do at that moment is to just stare at him, and again, forced out a forceful smile. After he walked away, I just sighed. Should I just continue? Should I just tell him the truth?

I find myself unable to tell him the truth, mainly because he is the only person who have full faith in me, no matter how many times I failed, or how much I failed to reach everyone's expectations, and just ended-up as a no good. He still kept his faith on me after I let go of the opportunity he gave to me, and even until this day, where i decided to quit, he still keep smiling at me without a hint of doubt, and still continue to have faith in me. He wanted me to stay, and I really would like to do so too, if only I am not facing this unsolved situation which typically haunts my 5 years of secondary school life. Not only it's unsolved, but it's getting worse. For this, should I stay? Or should I continue putting up this endurance which I have enough of and is just about ready to give up? To be honest, if I have the power to endure, I wouldn't have thought of quitting. This is just how terribly messed up I'm feeling right now.

Day by day went by. I am still confused. I really did not know what to do. I do not want to betray someone's trust, but..... I also can't take this much longer. It's so lonely I can't bare it. Hah!! Yes, I am that miserable of a person right now. Now, I am desperately waiting for my college's orientation day. Because that is the best way for me to cover up for my reason of quitting? Honestly, I don't even know. I don't even know if everything will be better in college. I felt that my direction in life is scattered  totally shut down. It's hard.... I don't know what to do....

I kept believing in those phrases such as "There will be a rainbow after a storm" or something like that....but? I see nothing good coming up to me. I can only see a chain of curse. Yes, it's exactly like a curse which has no ends. It's been 2 days and now i am in the state where my confidence is totally shattered. Totally, totally shattered. All I want to do now is to push myself. To swim. And play basketball. And go to the gym. And do whatever I can to wear myself out to the max. I feel like doing it everyday, and just tire myself out everyday. Everyday full of sports. I love sports, and maybe it can brighten me up. Maybe that's the reason why I have that urge.

That day is about to arrive again. What will I do? I know.... absolutely nothing. I don't know what to do anymore.

*sigh*